At this day and age it has become imperative to understand the text message vernacular. You can easily make a fool of yourself, make a bad impression, come off as pushy, miss hidden signals, or do a million other terrifying things from less than one tiny, little kilobyte of information. Don’t worry though, if you are text message illiterate, I am here to save you. Put your lab goggles on kids; let’s dissect the text message.
If a person sends any of the following responses to your text message, he or she is ending the conversation:
“k” “lol” “hah” “yeah” “mhmm” “nm” “cool” “idk” “cool story, bro”
This is a real slap in the face. You just spent 15 minutes thinking of a witty, charming text, strained your thumb muscles to punch on those pea-sized keys, painfully watched each ticking second pass until your message was reciprocated, and what do you get?! Hope your phone is well protected in a military grade case; you may have the urge to chuck it at the nearest wall.
But don’t lose all faith if this happens once or twice; sometimes people just don’t feel like talking no matter who it is they got a text from. But remember, if it starts becoming a trend, they probably just don’t want to talk to you. If so, sit back and let the ship set sail – if they want to talk to you, they will.
Unnecessary addition of letters.
The difference between “hey” and “heyyy” is not merely two letters. It is something much, much more.
“hey” is a simple form of greeting. Nothing more. Nothing less.
“heyyy,” on the other hand, is code for oh-hai-babe-i-hope-you-read-dyingread.com-and-learned-to-disect-the-text-message-cause-this-means-i-want-you-to-come-over-here-and-make-sweet-dirty-love-to-me-pronto.
“I love you” from Mom.
If your mother texts you “I love you” on a mild Wednesday evening around 7 PM, she just misses you. You’re off at college or a new job and have moved out of the house for a few years now. She thinks about you and, hey, every now and then and she wants to remind you that she cares about you.
If your mother texts you “I love you” on a Friday evening at 11:33 PM while you are 4 jager-bombs and 2 beer pong games in to the night, she is using a passive-aggressive tactic to make you feel guilty and make better decisions. Basically, those three words translate into “EY YOU FUCK, I CARED FOR YOU IN MY WOMB FOR 9 MONTHS AND I WILL NOT BE DISGRACED, YOU HEAR ME? I WILL NOT TURN ON THE NEWS AND SEE MY CHILD FACE PLANTED IN A GUTTER, NO SIR, NOT WHILE I’M STILL ALIVE. DON’T FUCK UP. I LOVE YOU”
Time Period between Responses
A) The Consistent Responder
This responder always replies in a consistent pattern, like a set interval (i.e. they always wait at least X-amount of time before responding) or their response is in correlation with the amount of time you took to respond (i.e. they double your response time: “WOW, it took you 30 minutes to reply? You’re waiting an hour, BITCH! I love you…”)
B) The Inconsistent Responder
This responder is the most genuine. Sometimes they reply to your text immediately. Sometimes they take hours, days even. This shows that they text you back when they are available, which can be sporadic, but at least honest.
C) The I-never-reply-to-text-messages
Self-explanatory. Come on, you can at least send a conversation killer…
Punctuation is a key component in portraying emotions in an otherwise emotionless medium. The culture of texting has changed the use of the exclamation point forever. Back in the day, one single “!” would connote yelling, screaming, and/or anger. In the texting culture it signifies excitement or politeness. Let’s take a look at this example conversation to better stress my point:
“heyyy, how are you?”
Example text response without exclamation point:
“I’m good. Just got back from the market.” = mean asshole
Example text response with exclamation point:
“I’m good! Just got back from the market!” = excited to talk to you, read dyingread.com and knows your “heyyy” means you want me to make sweet, dirty love to you
Quite often a single exclamation point is not sufficient; you’ll need at least 3 or 10.
“I’m good!! Just got back from the market!!!!!!!!!”
And if that doesn’t show your excitement and happiness, cushion it with some smiley’s and lol’s:
“I’m good!! :) :) Just got back from the market!!!!!! Lol :)”
Now you’re becoming a real texting pro.
Cushioning text messages can be a deceiving business. Don’t be disappointed when you see really enthusiastic text messages and expect the texter to look like this:
When really they look like this:
Ok, you have just dissected the text message and are now ready to go out there and text away!! :). Got it?