The other night, I was devising schemes in my secret, underground lair. When I say underground, I don’t mean subterranean, I mean like, you’ve probably never heard of where it is.
One of such schemes was the systematic elimination of the hipster.
…What’s a hipster?
Do you live under a rock or something?
[Well now I feel silly for that joke I made in the first paragraph about subterranean residencies.]
Anyways. So a hipster is someone who doesn’t like anything that’s popular. If the phrase “You’ve probably never heard of…” sounds familiar, you’ve probably encountered a hipster.
[…Can you stop pointing out my first paragraph please? It’s just me being ironic, alright?]
Hipsters also usually have oversized, black rimmed glasses, and wear strange clothes. They like things that are fair trade, organic, and made of some sort of recycled material. Also, they murder puppies.
For the most part, they contribute nothing to society. The best thing to come from hipsterism is Disney Hipster images.
Like these:
So to rid the world of hipsters, I had this brilliant idea to lace the world’s supply of gluten-free snacks with arsenic, and then thought, “Poison’s way too mainstream. There has to be a better way.”
The tricky thing about the hipster subculture is that it’s essentially self-defeating. As hipsterism becomes more popular, it’s technically not hipster anymore. How can you hate what’s mainstream if hating what’s mainstream is… mainstream?
So the obvious solution to the hipster epidemic is simple: Create the Neo-Hipster.
The Neo-Hipster is the next step in hipster evolution. Never heard of it? Well now you have! And it’s ok!
First, there was mainstream. Then, there was anti-mainstream. And now, there is anti-anti-mainstream, which essentially equals the love of all things mainstream!
The modern Neo-Hipster (not to be confused with the post-modern Neo-Hipster) enjoys Justin Bieber, McDonald’s coffee, and wears sketchers shape ups. They shop at department stores, use Google, and go to Supercuts. Also, they drink regular milk.
Their entire purpose in life is to ridicule things they’ve never heard of out of sheer ignorance.
—Coconut Water?!?! What is that??? There’s only one kind of water on earth, and that comes in a bottle, from Arrowhead.
—Fair trade organic Espresso? Is that what frappucinos are made of?
—…Wait. So a thrift store sells clothes… that have already been worn?!?!
…Forget it. I already want to kill these neo hipsters.
Back to the drawing board.
image by robertshoemaker
