This is a follow-up to http://dyingread.com/2011/12/4-inanimate-objects-to-feel-sorry-for/ .
If anyone’s wondering, I do indeed have a special connection with inanimate objects, and am qualified to voice their concerns.
1. Your 24-hour Mexican Food.
I get it. It’s 4am, you’ve probably had a wild night. You might be slightly inebriated, but it’s ok, because no worker at a 24-hour Mexican place has ever seen a drunk person. Something greasy would be a perfect way to end the night. Lucky for you, Mr. California Burrito always picks up the phone when it’s one of those nights. But before you and Mr. CB consummate your very defined, purely physical relationship, you’ve gotta do a mobile upload so your facebook friends will know how much you’ll hate yourself in the morning. You round it off with an insightful caption, like “Perfect Way to End the Night. <3”
2. Your Macbook
A few years ago, Macbooks were hip, rare, and an expression of individuality. If you didn’t want a Compaq Presario or a Dell Inspiron like the rest of the world, you got a cool white laptop with an Apple on the front. Today, however, college classes look like this.
There’s nothing wrong with having a Mac, but posting a picture of your Macbook is now the equivalent of saying you have a cell phone, or think that SOPA is a bad idea. Meanwhile, we know that if Mac’s weren’t inanimate, they’d be Justin Long, who is pretty socially awkward and doesn’t seem like he fancies pictures much. But hey, when you’re famous, people want photos. Speaking of which…
3. Starbucks Coffee
If taking a photo of your Macbook is like saying you have a cell phone and think SOPA is a bad idea, photographing your “ICM ↑↓” (Iced Caramel Macchiato, upside down. Duh.) is like saying you have lungs, and use them to breathe oxygen. I’m not going to be snobbish and say Starbucks is overpriced, taste burnt, or could one day start a military coup led by green apron-clad Baristas, but doesn’t it seem a little strange to be taking pictures of our favorite coffee drinks? No? Well have you ever seen something like this?
-Water. Seriously Can’t Live Without It!
4. Bathroom Mirrors
I now bring you an open letter from your bathroom mirror.
To whom it may concern:
Listen. I know I don’t have a lot of say in this, because I’m attached to your wall. And inanimate. But I put up with A LOT. When you’re brushing your teeth and you splash foamy toothpaste water all over me, it’s insulting. And when you want to practice shuffling to Party Rock in front of me, it’s embarrassing. And when you stand there looking at yourself naked for hours- flexing, making strange faces, and posing seductively… it’s really awkward.
But all of this is nothing compared to the sheer humiliation associated with your shameless bathroom mirror pics. And when you upload those “pics” to Facebook… I mean, come on, my parents see that stuff. You know what your bathroom mirror shots make me? An accomplice to douchery. That’s a felony in all 50 states.
You can spit on me, dance for me, pose naked in front of me, or do all three at the same time. But please, stop with the photos. It’s a poor reflection of character. #mirror puns
Your Bathroom Mirror
image by stephen fung