Dear internet,
You are wonderful. You’ve given us amazing things like Google Maps, Yelp, and Keyboard Cat. For the most part, you’ve made life better in every way possible. But there have been some unfortunate side effects since your inception. Here are five types of people I wish you did not create.
#1. Flakes
Unless it’s falling in the form of snow or frosted in a bowl with milk, flakes are just bad news. Flakes (n) can refer to the manifestation of dandruff, which is repulsive. Flakes (n) can also refer to people who back out of “commitments”.
Equally disgusting.
People are non-committal as it is, and the internet enhances flakiness like re-rolling biscuit dough. Nothing is more frustrating than spending hours setting up an event on Facebook- carefully managing the guest list, finding a fitting picture, and creating a clever, punny title like:
Robert’s BEE-DAY party!
(Description: Hey guys! So to celebrate my birthday, I decided to have a costume party! But here’s the catch, only one costume is allowed! Bees! Everyone has to dress up like a bee! I’m serious, you WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN IF YOU’RE NOT DRESSED LIKE A BEE! So make sure you bring your black and yellow, antennae headbands, and your detachable stingers! Honey will be provided… but this event is strictly B.Y.O.BEE!!!!!”)
And have 95 people confirm but only 10 actually show up. (and only 3 in bee attire.)
Real talk, having someone flake out on you is really disappointing… it really stings.
#2. Trolls
Trolls. Another word with some pretty bad connotations.
It could be this guy.
Or this guy.
Or even this guy.
But the worst kind of troll is not one you battle with swords… it’s the one you battle with words. Trolls will say and do anything just for attention. They can be found leaving seriously dimwitted comments on facebook, youtube, or any other internet page.
Ex.
Robert: Ate a sandwich today, it was delicious.
Troll: salads > sandwiches
Robert: haha, maybe I’ll have a salad and a sandwich next time.
Troll Comment: That’s stupid. Those don’t mix. 911 was inside job.
Robert: What in the world does that have to do with anything?
Troll Comment: Kobe>Jordan.
If you find yourself engaged in battle with a troll, just bow out gracefully. No one’s ever come out from an internet feud a better person.
Speaking of which:
#3. E-Thugs
E-thugs try to act really hard on the internet. They bully people, make fun of their grammar, point out “logical fallacies” and quote comments to refute them. They want you to think they look like this:
When really, they look like this:
Under the protection of the internet and cyberspace, they’ll be rude for no apparent reason, bashing on everything and everyone. There’s nothing wrong with not being as intimidating as the old spice guy, but acting like you’re the biggest boss while online is just silly.
#4. Spammers
Spammers need to get a life. We understand you’re trying to get your name out there, but you need to stop bombarding the internet like the Luftwaffe. We’ve actually had to turn the comments feature off on dyingread because there are so many spammers. Most of the time, their comments aren’t even coherent. Check out this little gem:
Thanks so much for giving everyone an exceptionally wonderful possiblity to read from here. It can be so awesome and packed with a good time for me personally and my office co-workers to search your web site at the very least 3 times in one week to read through the fresh things you have got. And lastly, we are actually fulfilled with all the attractive hints served by you. Certain 3 points in this posting are unequivocally the most efficient we have ever had.
Submitted by Obesity on- “Dissecting the Text Message”
These days, there’s nowhere to hide from spammers. They’ve probably found their way onto your facebook and twitter, inviting everyone in their friends lists to events, or blowing up your newsfeed with some sort of contest or sweepstakes promising a cash prize that most likely won’t even be handed out.
…hmm… that sounds vaguely familiar.
#5. Bloggers.
Oh, that’s why. Sorry for blowing up the internet over the past few days guys. It’s for a good cause!
image by commerce.idaho
