There are two kinds of Facebook newsfeed checkers in the world. Those who sort the feed by “most recent” and those who sort the feed by “top stories.”
I have no life. Also, as you might have been able to tell, I very much depend on social media for new blog material.
(cue slideshow of 5 Annoying People Created by The Internet, 4 Inanimate Objects to Stop Taking Pictures of, etc.)
For this reason, I’m all about the “most recent.” I don’t care how insignificant it is. Whether it’s what you ate for lunch today or how shocked you are at the results of The Voice, I want the latest update. And girl, you know I scroll all the way down until I see something I’ve already read before. (Not trying to exclude the fellas. Just getting ghetto-fabulous.)
For most of you, however, “top stories” suffices. You’ll see some pretty cool mobile uploads, statuses about people getting jobs or acceptance letters of some sort, and of course, changes to people’s relationship status. It would be absolutely heartbreaking for someone to have such a life-altering moment prominently displayed without having immediate feedback from their facebook family. And that’s where you come in.
After a break up…
“I LOVE YOU”
You might want to do some reconnaissance work before submitting this one. It’s pretty bold, and is definitely only appropriate if your buddy is the dumpee. (Because let’s say your pal dumps someone, and then you say “I LOVE YOU.” You’re pretty much affirming them for kicking their main squeeze to the curb, which, while possibly warranted, is probably inappropriate here.)
“I LOVE YOU” has two meanings: it could either be friendly… or something more. If it’s as a friend, it lets your buddy know they might not have romantic love, but they have friendship love! Which seriously is great. Just ask anyone who’s ever been in the friend zone. Friendship is the best! Who needs relationships?
If it’s something more… stop right where you are. This is NOT, I repeat NOT a good time to express those feelings you’ve kept hidden in your heart. We know you’re their best friend, we know you’re a perfect match, and we know that you’re-in-your-room-it’s-a-typical-Tuesday-night-you’re-listening-to-the-kind-of-music-she-doesn’t-like-and-she’ll-never-know-his-story-like-you-do.
…and-she-wears-short-skirts-you-wear-t-shirts-she’s-cheer-captain-and-you’re-on-the-bleachers-dreaming-bout-the-day-when-he-wakes-up-and-finds-that-what-he’s-looking-for-has-been-here-the-whole-time.
But resist the urge. You’ll thank me when your best friend is back in a relationship tomorrow morning.
“I’m here if you need to talk!”
Sometimes, even the dumper needs some consolation too. In any case, this is probably the safest and most appropriate response. Be careful what you wish for though because if you offer, your bud will probably take you up on it. That means at exactly 3:47am, your phone is going to ring and your compadre will either be drunk, crying, angry, or possibly all 3. You’ll have to listen for 2 and a half excruciating hours about how they’re over it and they’re ready to move on, and that’s why they’re calling people at 4 in the morning.
“:[”
Sometimes words just aren’t enough. It always sucks when everyone’s favorite couple calls it quits. They seem like they’re made for each other. When you describe your perfect relationship, you always point to them and say, “I want what Corey and Topanga have.”
They’re cool to hang out with too. They don’t force you to come with them on embarrassing third-wheel excursions to their “Totally not a couples thing” couples cooking class. (Yes, I am plenty aware that no one on earth has ever been to a couple’s cooking class because they seriously only exist in movies.) But unfortunately, a lot of good things do come to an end. Your friend is probably heartbroken, but you should be able to cheer them up substantially with some strategically placed punctuation. (Don’t get this mixed up. You could incite a riot if you post “:]” after Ross and Rachel break up.)
what about your friend who just started a relationship?
image by inflexwetrust
