1. The “This Just In – Breaking News” Update
Once upon a time, the phrase “that’s so five minutes ago…” was a sarcastic insult for being late on trending news. But now, newsfeeds are flooded with breaking updates literally within minutes of being announced. People love to be the first ones to spread the newest and coolest information around – if you’re five minutes late to the party then you’ll find your update lost in a sea of similar statuses that already beat you to it.
Examples:
“KONY 2012 – watch it, it’s gonna change the world”
“RIP Dick Clark :/”
“KOBE DOES IT AGAIN!!!!!”
“did any1 else feel that earthquake..?”
“the dude that made KONY 2012 seen masturbating in the middle of the street?!! WTF!”
2. The “Here’s What I’m Consuming Right Now – Be Jealous Bitch” Update
These people post up pictures of every food and beverage they consume. But don’t be confused, it’s not just your everyday McDonalds. They hit up the smallest hole-in-the-walls and every top pick on Yelp within a 50-mile radius. They also make you incredibly envious for two reasons: 1) you wonder how they have the funds to eat all of this delicious food, and 2) you wonder how they are able to maintain their paper-thin body.
Examples:
“NOM NOM”
“GET IN MY BELLLYYY”
“<3”
3. The “I’m So Drunk”/”I’m So Hungover” Update
These people love to notify their Facebook confidants that they are in a state of incoherence and emphasize it with poor spelling. But isn’t a “I’m so drunk right now” status really just a cry for attention? It basically translates into “Look! I’m out and drinking cause it’s a Friday night and I have friends and a social life too! This status is proof!! Believe me!”
Examples:
“imk sdooooiiiiii druuuinnnmmkkk”
Mobile Upload:
“CAASRNWW ASFADA FRUES!”
“ugh, so hung over… what happened last night? And why am I covered in hot sauce?”
4. The “Song Lyric To Express How I’m Feeling” Update
They say that when you’re in love, every song is suddenly about you. Well, that logic probably pertains to every other emotion as well because people love to let songs express how they are currently feeling. People also love to title their photo albums with a perky song lyric that embodies their pictures at the beach, club, party, etc.
Examples:
Statuses:
“nevermind i’ll find someone like you…”
“and I will try to fix you…”
Photo Album Names:
“young, wild, & free~”
“tonight, we are young~”
“what makes you beautiful~”
*It is imperative that the squiggly line tilde is at the end of the title
5. The “Wow, I Need A Therapist” Update
You first see their angry status update as a joke and don’t take it seriously. But then you notice it becoming a reoccurring trope from this particular person… and you begin to worry for their sake and livelihood.
Examples:
“FUCK THIS SHIT! I HATE LIFE!!!”
“I’M GOOING TO KILL SOMEONE UGGHH”
*There is a correlation between spelling/grammar and the amount of concern you should have. The less intelligently constructed the update is, the more you should be worried.
“sum bitcchzz pizz me off fohreel ima shank sum fooz if dey be dawgin me lik i owe dem sumthin i dun giv a fuk wak ass playaz”
*Also, show concern if it is extremely subtle and obscure.
“I walk this dark path alone…”
“No one understands. But they’ll see…”
6. The “I Just Got Hacked” Update
Some people see their friend’s unsupervised Facebook as a golden opportunity to swing a little jab at their pal with a witty joke. Well… if you’re going to do that, can the jokes at least be funny?
Examples:
“I HAVE A SMALL DICK MUAHAHAHA”
“I like penis up my butt!! CALL ME”
“Can’t hold the truth back anymore… I like men.”
7. The “I’m Updating Right Now Even Though It Is A Major Hazard/Menace To Do So” Update
Being able to update your friends on the go has really revolutionized Facebook. Some of the most genuinely heartwarming and funny status updates or mobile uploads occur unpredictably when people are out and about. However, there are places you certainly shouldn’t be hammering away a new status because it is potentially dangerous and/or very hypocritical.
Examples:
“Ugh, this girl next to me in the movie theater is texting soo much.. she’s so annoying!”
“Wow, asshole driver just cut me off on the freeway and nearly made me crash into the center divider. I HATE IDIOTS THAT DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!”
Mobile Upload:
“Pic of sunset I took during my drive back home <3”
*I may or may not have taken all of the provided example images
Image provided from acaravana.blogspot.com
