I was a bit wary about writing this piece. I thought:
Hmmm, Michael, four “manly” things you can’t do are kind of a lot. Maybe 3? 2? Or even 1 should suffice… No, in fact, trash this idea entirely.
But then I remembered that I’m awesome and carry no insecurities about my manhood, so what the hell!
Please don’t judge me…
1. Chug a Can of Beer in 1.8 Seconds
Realistically, under the right circumstances (if I didn’t eat anything for a couple of hours/it is my first drink of the night/I don’t have any stomach pains/a crowd of people aren’t watching me/it is a hot night/the beer is ice cold/I just watched Beerfest/there is a really attractive girl present that I’m trying to impress/there’s a full moon/Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” is bumping) it would probably take me about 7.5 seconds to chug a can of beer… Which in “manly” terms is an eternity. Some guys can chug a can in under two seconds and then finish it off by crushing the can with their skull. However, after I shotgun a beer I’m doubled over like I’ve just been stabbed in the stomach as I squeal out, WHY DO PEOPLE ENJOY THIS?!
I’m sorry, but if we have to punch a hole in the can with our car keys in order to achieve this feat then we’re obviously treading in some illicit waters. Plus, the human body is not designed to consume so much in such a minimal amount of time. What must your stomach think? It’s just chilling there, having a good time:
Doo, do, doooo. Ah, what a nice day. Not hungry but at the same time not so full that I hate myself. This is the perf- AHHH! WTF! WHERE DID 12 OUNCES OF CARBONATED FLUID COME OUT OF NOWHERE FROM? OH MY GAWWWDDD.
Your stomach will get its revenge in the morning. Trust me. It always gets its revenge.
2. Spit a Loogie 25 Feet
Spitting is gross and repulsive, right? Right! That’s what I’m trying to say when I’m hanging out with my friends and they start launching loogies like its Blitzkrieg. I lecture them,
“Aww, dude, that is disgusting… Y’know it’s illegal to spit in Singapore? So unhygienic and not to mention immature…”
But in the back of my mind I’m thinking
“Damn it that’s cool! How is he spitting 20 feet? I want to hit that bucket too! GRRR!”
Why can’t I form this “loogie” to shoot out when I’m chilling on a balcony and trying to ruin an innocent pedestrian’s day? Hm, let’s break down the science of creating one á la Jack Dawson. So you have to cock your head back and really collect all the snot in your nose and the mucus in the back of your throat until these two combine to form a thick, molasses-like substance, which you can then shoot out of your mouth with great velocity.
Uhh, my nasal cavities are clean, bro. If you have a perpetual storage of nose snot then you might want to get checked out…
Or not, cause you can spit forever, which is pretty cool.
3. Crack My Knuckles
People can crack their knuckles in all sorts of strange ways; they pull their fingers back, push their fingers forward, bend them in all different directions and create a cacophony with their knuckle cracking abilities. You can seriously crack your knuckles in any context and it’ll make the situation look cool.
I’m gonna kick his ass. *crack crack*
No more fun and games… Time to ace this final. *crack crack*
Oh yeah, I’m going to thoroughly enjoy eating this pie. *crack crack*
I really have tried to harness my knuckle cracking abilities in the past. However, I only produced results when I distort my fingers into such awkward positions that it felt like I was going to break something. Other times I cracked my knuckles were completely unintentional. Whatever the case, both situations caused a great deal of pain, so I decided to put an end to my knuckle cracking endeavors. I still wish I could do it in case I need to intimidate someone before I kick their ass, but I guess I’ll just have to let my biceps do all of the talking.
4. Fart for the Sake of Farting
Friend: Hey, did you hear that?
Me: Hear wh-
Don’t act like you haven’t been victimized from this situation before. If you haven’t, then you must be the perpetrator!
Hey, I get it. Farting is completely natural and sometimes you just have to do it no matter how inappropriate the setting is. But some guys really get a kick out farting just because they want to see how loud, how long, or how potent their fart is. Is this completely necessary? WHY?! When the day comes that I strongly desire to hear or smell your fart, I’ll ask. But until then, PLEASE, keep your fart to yourself…