Last March, as a result of the NCAA basketball tournament and equally exciting though less televised Dyingread #1 fan tournament, I became obsessed with ranking things. For the 19 or whatever people that follow me on twitter, you know that I started ranking everything from breakfast cereals to vampires, to social networks.
It occurred to me during this really transformative phase in my life that my rankings should be published for the world to see. Since then, I have eaten some snacks methodically analyzed my findings using complicated statistical tools.
And the result… is the snack hall of fame. There are multiple categories of the snack hall of fame- because you can’t really compare Pringles to Pop Tarts to Capri Sun. This edition will reveal the top 5 mass produced cookies to ever grace the palate. Put the kids to bed, Sesame Street. Cookie Monster’s about to have a big mess on his hands.
#5- Chips Ahoy- Chewy Red Package
The package itself isn’t chewy, but the seductive red bag lets you know these biscuits (that’s English for cookie) will melt in your mouth. Chewy Chips Ahoy (C.C.A) are just big enough to not be soggy Cookie Crisp cereal, but small enough for you to eat 38 without realizing it. C.C.A also go great with a peanut butter, a glass of milk, or 15 more C.C.A.
A lot of people will question the resume of C.C.A, but even if you’re not a fan of the product, you have to admire what Chips Ahoy has done for the snack cookie market. I’m not sure who came up with the name (possibly Captain Crunch? Bad nautical-snack joke.), but Chips Ahoy has become synonymous with readily available chocolate chip. Eat your heart out, Famous Amos.
#4- Keebler Elf Fudge Sandwiches
There are 3 types of elves. One makes toys. One fights orcs. And one makes some seriously bomb cookies. I know the Keebler Elves really just look like old German fellows, but there’s something mystical about those fudge sandwiches. The cookie is buttery, the fudge velvety, and you don’t even think twice about eating a cookie shaped like your grandpa. (Quick- name all the snacks shaped like humans.)
#3- Circus Animal Cookies
I’ve already talked about man’s capacity for innovation– I’m so glad that someone (apparently it was “mother”) decided to take animal crackers, throw them in frosting, and cover them with sprinkles. If that’s not thinking outside the box #pun, I don’t know what is.
True story- the most compelling case against natural selection is the fact that animal crackers still exist. If inferior species are really eliminated, how are confections as primitive as animal crackers still around?
#2- Girl Scout Cookies- Samoas
Alright. I know I just made a lot of people upset having this cookie at #2. But just calm down. Samoas are great, I admit. I don’t even like coconut and I wolf down Samoas like a possessed lickitung at a revolving sushi bar.
Samoas are so good, they’ve used the same awful package for 68 years and they still sell 870 million boxes every year. (all numbers approximate). I think every fatty’s person’s dream is to meet one of the girls on the girl scout box- but that’s becoming increasingly difficult considering most of them have probably died of old age since having their picture taken.
I should amend that last statement- every fatty’s person’s dream is to meet one of the “individuals” on the girl scout box. (I’m looking at you, androgynous Asian kid on the tagalongs box.)
#1- Oreos
True story- OREOS is actually an acronym for Officially Rating Eating Over Sex- a common side effect of eating these tuxedo cookie sandwiches. Oreos are so good, people get oreo hair cuts. Have a black and white pet? Its name is oreo. Milkshake or ice cream with cookies in it? It’s oreo. See a Zebra at the zoo? That’s no zebra, that’s an oreo horse.
And double stuff oreos?? Probably the best idea since breathing. How many other times has everybody’s favorite part been DOUBLED? Can you imagine double sleep-in weekends? A Double filet mignon? A double rainbow???
Issues with my rankings? Think my statistical analysis is bogus? Let’s debate. I welcome any and all criticism. Just don’t troll me with something like “OREOS doesn’t actually stand for Officially Rating Eating Over Sex.”
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Over 9 in 15 older adults have some type of chronic condition, and almost 8 with 10 have more in comparison with one. So it’s likely that, you’ll have one ultimately. But there are things you can do to live a healthier life.
High Blood Pressure.
When you age, your blood vessels get less adaptable, and that puts force on the system that will carries blood because of your body. That might describe why about 2 in 3 grown ups over 60 include high blood pressure. But there are other causes you can manage: Watch your weight, training, stop smoking, find approaches to deal with stress, along with eat healthy.
Due to the fact 1980, the number of middle-aged and older grown ups with diabetes features almost doubled. As such, the CDC telephone calls it an outbreak. Your risk of finding the disease goes up when you finally hit 45, therefore it may be serious. It could lead to heart disease, kidney disease, blindness, along with other problems. Talk with a medical expert about having your blood sugar level checked.
Heart Disease.
Tooth plaque buildup in your blood vessels is a major reason behind heart disease. It starts in childhood in addition to gets worse when you age. That’s why persons age 40 to help 59 are more than five times as vulnerable to have heart disease since people 20 to 39.
If you think about a lot more than is balanced for your height, you can be considered obese — it’s not having only a few extra pounds. It’s linked with at least 20 continual diseases, including heart problems, stroke, diabetes, malignancy, high blood pressure, and osteoarthritis. The highest rate among all age groups is in people ages 40 in order to 59 — 41% of whom are usually obese.
Osteoarthritis.
At some point, doctors chalked upwards this disease of the joints to the usage of age, and that is an ellement (37% of people fortyfive and over have osteo arthritis of the knee). But genetics and way of life probably have something related to it as well. And previous joint injuries, too little of physical activity, diabetes, and being overweight can all play a part, too.
Brittle bones.
About half of women through 50, and up to 25% of men in that age group, split bones because they’ve lost too much calcaneus mass, and their systems haven’t replaced it. A couple of things that can help: a healthy diet plan rich in calcium in addition to vitamin D (you need both for good bones) and regular weight-bearing exercise, such as dancing, jogging, or even climbing stairs.
Long-term Obstructive Pulmonary Illness (COPD)
This will cause inflammation and pads air from your lungs. It’s a slow-moving sickness that you could have for decades without knowing it — symptoms usually present in your 40s or maybe 50s. It can make you have trouble breathing, and you could cough, wheeze, and spit up mucus. Exercise, a healthy diet, as well as avoiding smoke along with pollution can help.
Tinnitus.
Maybe nothing says “You’re getting older” more than having to question, “What did a person say? ” A few 18% of Americans forty-five to 64 incorporate some sort of hearing problems, and it tends to deteriorate as you age. Loud noise, disease, and your genes all play a role. Some medications might cause hearing problems, too. Call at your doctor if you’re can not hear as well as you used to.
Vision Issues.
That annoying blurriness when you try to browse the small type in labels or menus isn’t the only danger to your vision while you age. Cataracts (which cloud the zoom lens of your eye) and also glaucoma (a selection of eye conditions that damage your optic nerve) can harm your own personal eyesight. See your eye doctor for regular assessments.
Bladder Problems.