Last March, as a result of the NCAA basketball tournament and equally exciting though less televised Dyingread #1 fan tournament, I became obsessed with ranking things. For the 19 or whatever people that follow me on twitter, you know that I started ranking everything from breakfast cereals to vampires, to social networks.
It occurred to me during this really transformative phase in my life that my rankings should be published for the world to see. Since then, I have eaten some snacks methodically analyzed my findings using complicated statistical tools.
And the result… is the snack hall of fame. There are multiple categories of the snack hall of fame- because you can’t really compare Pringles to Pop Tarts to Capri Sun. This edition will reveal the top 5 mass produced cookies to ever grace the palate. Put the kids to bed, Sesame Street. Cookie Monster’s about to have a big mess on his hands.
#5- Chips Ahoy- Chewy Red Package
The package itself isn’t chewy, but the seductive red bag lets you know these biscuits (that’s English for cookie) will melt in your mouth. Chewy Chips Ahoy (C.C.A) are just big enough to not be soggy Cookie Crisp cereal, but small enough for you to eat 38 without realizing it. C.C.A also go great with a peanut butter, a glass of milk, or 15 more C.C.A.
A lot of people will question the resume of C.C.A, but even if you’re not a fan of the product, you have to admire what Chips Ahoy has done for the snack cookie market. I’m not sure who came up with the name (possibly Captain Crunch? Bad nautical-snack joke.), but Chips Ahoy has become synonymous with readily available chocolate chip. Eat your heart out, Famous Amos.
#4- Keebler Elf Fudge Sandwiches
There are 3 types of elves. One makes toys. One fights orcs. And one makes some seriously bomb cookies. I know the Keebler Elves really just look like old German fellows, but there’s something mystical about those fudge sandwiches. The cookie is buttery, the fudge velvety, and you don’t even think twice about eating a cookie shaped like your grandpa. (Quick- name all the snacks shaped like humans.)
#3- Circus Animal Cookies
I’ve already talked about man’s capacity for innovation– I’m so glad that someone (apparently it was “mother”) decided to take animal crackers, throw them in frosting, and cover them with sprinkles. If that’s not thinking outside the box #pun, I don’t know what is.
True story- the most compelling case against natural selection is the fact that animal crackers still exist. If inferior species are really eliminated, how are confections as primitive as animal crackers still around?
#2- Girl Scout Cookies- Samoas
Alright. I know I just made a lot of people upset having this cookie at #2. But just calm down. Samoas are great, I admit. I don’t even like coconut and I wolf down Samoas like a possessed lickitung at a revolving sushi bar.
Samoas are so good, they’ve used the same awful package for 68 years and they still sell 870 million boxes every year. (all numbers approximate). I think every fatty’s person’s dream is to meet one of the girls on the girl scout box- but that’s becoming increasingly difficult considering most of them have probably died of old age since having their picture taken.
I should amend that last statement- every fatty’s person’s dream is to meet one of the “individuals” on the girl scout box. (I’m looking at you, androgynous Asian kid on the tagalongs box.)
#1- Oreos
True story- OREOS is actually an acronym for Officially Rating Eating Over Sex- a common side effect of eating these tuxedo cookie sandwiches. Oreos are so good, people get oreo hair cuts. Have a black and white pet? Its name is oreo. Milkshake or ice cream with cookies in it? It’s oreo. See a Zebra at the zoo? That’s no zebra, that’s an oreo horse.
And double stuff oreos?? Probably the best idea since breathing. How many other times has everybody’s favorite part been DOUBLED? Can you imagine double sleep-in weekends? A Double filet mignon? A double rainbow???
Issues with my rankings? Think my statistical analysis is bogus? Let’s debate. I welcome any and all criticism. Just don’t troll me with something like “OREOS doesn’t actually stand for Officially Rating Eating Over Sex.”
