Equestrian. skeet shooting. Ryan Locked. Ryan Locked-uh. Lock-tee? Latte? It must be Olympic season.
After possibly the greatest Olympics ever (A manic chinese peoples representing 15% of the world’s population trying desperately to put on the world’s greatest show, the first Olympics completely saturated in internet coverage, and Phelps setting the record for most golds in one Olympics), 2012 has a tough act to follow. Not only that, but this will also be the very last Olympics. Because the world is ending in 5 months. (Am I the only one who still believes remembers that?)
Considering the long standing tradition of the games (The Olympics started as a bunch of humans fighting the gods of Mt. Olympus- it was later turned into a movie called Clash of the Titans) it’s certainly going to be a bitter sweet goodbye. I love the Olympics. I hear they’re corrupt, I hear they’re actually bad for international relations, I hear it’s just a bunch of unpaid amateurs being exploited for billions just like college sports. But I don’t care.
Because here’s what I love about the Olympics:
Bob Costas
The NBC Olympic host. A little known fact about Mr. Costas is that he is actually an android from the future sent to combat Fox’s Joe Buck in a battle for monotonous supremacy. Some might say Bob should recognize he is no longer on the greens of Pebble Beach, and that he can raise his voice above that of a concerned therapist, but I personally love it. I love the fact that if I didn’t speak English, I wouldn’t be able to tell whether he was telling me the U.S basketball team lost to Angola by 85 points, that he ate a sandwich for lunch, or if the world was ending early by 5 months and that we will all soon be dead- because his tone never changes.
Bob is an Olympic staple. I will always associate the Olympics with late night video replays accompanied by his static frequency range and lonely shots of him in a darkened studio. Cheers to you Bob Costas, may diplomatic tensions someday be as stable as your inflection.
Gymnastics
Gymnasts are amazing. I think they’re the only Olympic athletes that would genuinely wow people if they performed in a normal setting. For example, if you saw an Olympic rower, you might say, “Hey, that person seems to have exquisite rowing technique”. You might see Bolt running down the street and think “Man, that guy was in a hurry.” But if you saw a gymnast do four back hand springs, or swing effortlessly between two uneven bars, or use a coffee table as a vault to land a triple backflip, you’d be like “WTF! NINJA!” You’d then proceed to tell your friend how badly you wanna learn Parkour.
The only downside about gymnastics is that you always feel like an idiot for checking out the athletes. For ladies, you’ll lustfully stare at a male gymnast and then remember “Oh wait, he’s 5’4. And he’s a male gymnast.” And for us men, as we watch these extremely flexible women prance around in almost nothing, we are painfully reminded that she’s 16.
[Did I just say that out loud? Am I going to jail? Is it really my fault though? I mean what is a 16 year old doing wearing Pam Anderson’s Baywatch costume and Paris Hilton’s eye makeup?]
The Commercials
I don’t know what it is, but Olympic television spots are so emotional! I’m not sure who the genius was that thought of this mom’s angle, but everytime an ad with the parent of an Olympian comes on, I start tearing up. And then you add Morgan Freeman’s voice? It’s amazing! I mean seriously, every 6 or 7 minutes I’m looking at my mom gratefully whispering “Thank you for supporting me through all the long practices and competitions and driving me to the gym every morning at 4am.” And then I remember I’m not an Olympian, but rather, a blog writer. And realize that’s probably requiring even more unconditional, irrational support. Thanks mom.
The Phelps-Lochte rivalry
I’m completely sold on this rivalry. I’m not even sure how real or tangible it is, but I freakin love it. Is it possible that Lochte intentionally lost the 400m relay to deny Phelps another medal? MAYBE?! Is it possible that Lochte has secretly been trying to seduce Phelps’ sisters and mother just to spite him? MAYBE?! Will this rivalry eventually culminate in both swimmers stopping mid-race to engage in a nautical melee unlike any since Captain Jack battled the Kracken? HOPEFULLY!
Whatever the case, I am so glad we have some animosity in these games. It’s tough to play up tension or rivalry between nations because it can become too real (see: every U.S-Soviet Olympic competition from 1950-1990). But a rivalry between two people from the same country? Genius! Because a country would never go to war with itself! Especially not America. …Oh wait. That’s not entirely true.
Still awesome!
The Olympic Village Sexcapade Stories
After ESPN did an exposé on the Olympic Brothel Village, I am undeniably curious about the… international relations [#pun] going on behind enclosed walls. According to the report, and pretty much anyone who’s been there, the Olympic village is like taking spring break in Cancun, throwing it in bed with Las Vegas, and then in a twist of nonsense, ASU shows up naked to create one crazy breeding grounds.
It makes sense if you think about it- you have the 10,000 most in shape 20 year olds in the world, with elevated hormone levels, no media, and for the first time in their respective lives, absolutely no parental supervision!
According to reports, 150,000 free condoms are to be handed out. 150,000?!?! That’s enough to get Bob Costas excited. Maybe not. Enough to make mom proud? defnitely not. Enough to fuel a Phelps-Lochte rivalry? I think we’re on to something!
Admittedly, every time I now see an Olympic athlete, I can’t help but wonder what they were doing the night before. Do they look tired? Do they look frustrated? Angry? Happy? Relaxed? What’s the meaning behind this? Needless to say, I am a pervert.
(Athletes exempt: male table tennis players, female weightlifters.)
Watching Sports No One Cares About
Seriously, if the Olympics are anything, they are the collection of the most boring sporting events in one, giant, monotonous Bob Costas delivered ball. You want proof? Yesterday, the 4x100m swim relay was delayed so it could be aired during primetime. Swimming? Our marquee athletic event is swimming?
I’m not denying that it is spectacularly entertaining to watch, I’d just like to point out that anyone who ever swam in high school can attest to how that directly contributes to popularity. (Unless you’re that guy from swimfan. But really, I mean, that girl was just a psycho.)
Couple primetime swimming with appetizers of rowing and synchronized diving, and you get the picture of just how mundane our watery pre-fixe menu of sporting events really is. But it’s the Olympics. Somehow, this mix of boring sports, sappy commercials, and yes, Bob Costas, is undeniably exciting.
(Seriously Bob, that is the closest your name will ever come to the phrase “undeniably exciting”)
