It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a Disney princess. These cartoon heroines are widely regarded as the perfect females, just as Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, or Mr. Darcy (whoever that is) are considered the perfect males.
What’s terrific about these animated beaus is they are fantastically easy to please. I think whenever we (and I mean males) think about goddesses like Kate Upton, Natalie Portman, or Nicole Anderson (whoever that is), we picture them exclusively dating rock stars, athletes, or the directors of a dark and twisted ballet movie.
Disney princesses, however, tend to have supremely low standards despite their undeniable beauty, flawless personalities, and majestic singing voices.
For example:
Ariel
Mermaids have eluded man since the beginning of time. They are easily the sexiest mythological creatures. (Female centaurs, a distant second.) There’s just something about a woman with the upper body of a human and the lower body of a salmon that’s undeniably hot.
Guys are weird. Moving on.
If you could somehow manage to date Ariel, you’d not only (presumably) be the first of your friends to date a mermaid, but you’d also net [#pun] yourself quite a catch! [#pun]
But here’s something you might not expect… landing [#pun] Ariel is like shooting fish in a barrel! [#pun]
Let’s review the facts:
1. She doesn’t really have friends- Ariel hangs out with a 50 year old Jamaican crab and a flounder. She’s probably desperate for any form of interaction with creatures that don’t eat kelp.
2. She has daddy issues- we’ve heard this story before… always facing pressure to be a perfect little princess, wants to be her own person, has an over protective father with magical powers and a trident… etc etc. It usually leads to…
3. She wears really minimal clothing- Two clamshells, to be exact. She doesn’t even wear pants!
And because of all these factors…
She went after the first man she ever laid eyes on… because he had legs!
She also doesn’t require you to carry an interesting conversation at all. In fact, for the most part she can’t even talk. [insert bigoted joke about how perfect of a situation this would be for most guys.]
Jasmine
Fellas, allow me to paint you this beautiful picture: A stunning Arabic princess with almond eyes and poofy teal pants is trying to do anything but marry a pedophilic sorcerer whose best friend is a parrot. She’ll date ANYONE.
Was there anyone who was a bigger loser than Aladdin? I mean Al, I love you bro, and I know you got dealt a pretty bad hand, but you’re basically a jobless orphan with a pet monkey and Kleptomanic tendencies.
How strange is it that Jasmine picked Aladdin?
Pretend Kim Kardashian wasn’t a slut, stupid, or shallow- just really, really hot. Chris Angel keeps trying to convince Bruce Jenner to let him marry her. You’re a bum who can’t even afford a full shirt. She picks you instead.
Belle
So let’s just say you’re really really ugly. And… you’re pretty violent. And… you’re a selfish jerk who mistreated everyone you came into contact with.
One day, you kidnap an old man who knocks on your door. You intend to keep him in your dungeon forever, because that would be fun. (?)
Well as it turns out, this guy is the father of the most beautiful girl on Earth. And it just so happens that this girl is so hot her name literally means beauty. And it also just so happens that this girl is a down-to-earth book worm who actually is disgusted by the local good-looking, muscular douche bag that all the other girls seem to be infatuated with.
Fellas in the friend/creeper zone, am I catching your interest yet?
So you come up with this brilliant plan to hold this old man for ransom- you know, because you’re a lonely, creepy, ugly jerk. Your price? You will let this girl’s father go if she becomes your prisoner for life and promises to hang out with you.
And she agrees!
Then somehow… this crazy Stockholm scheme works and she actually falls in love with you! AND turns you into a good looking, nice person. I’m having trouble typing anymore. It’s like my fingers are protesting in disbelief.
Honorable Mentions:
Mulan:
The Good
Undoubtedly easy to please. The best lines you could come up with were “You fight good.” And “You forgot your helmet.” Yep, that worked for her.
The Bad
Um… no one could tell she wasn’t a dude, even when bathing. She can probably beat you up. She will never bring honor to her famuhly. Sorry Mulan.
Snow White:
The Good
Skin as fair as snow, lips red as blood, hair black as ebony. All good things I suppose, if you’re into girls that look like BettyBoop.
The Bad
She lived with 7 men who look to be at least 50 years old. No thanks.
Pocahontas-
The Good
Native American Princess. Super Hot. Runs around all day, is probably in fantastic shape.
The Bad
She talks to trees and animals. She’s super concerned about the earth. She doesn’t wear shoes. In other words, she’s a hipster. I mean really, she was all to John Smith, “I knew about America way before you did.” and “Yea, I’ll trade with you guys, but only if it’s fair trade,” and “The Colors of the wind? Yea, you’ve probably never heard of them.”
Seriously, hipsters are the worst.
image by fanpop
