In case you missed the past two…
1. 4 Inanimate Objects to Feel Sorry for
2. 4 Inanimate Objects to Stop Taking Pictures of
I do this really weird thing where I imagine what it’d be like to be inanimate objects…
This Halloween while you’re mackin on butterfingers and lighting jack O’ Lanterns, take a moment to remember these sacrificial objects who made it all possible.
Here’s four objects to feel sorry for tonight.
Doorbells
Pretty obvious, right? In what can only be described as a doorbell assault, Children dressed as princesses, ninjas, and vampires run from house to house seeking confectionary plunder. They’re probably a little delirious from skyrocketing blood sugar levels, but children are merciless on your doorbell Halloween night. If you were a doorbell, you’d dread October 31 as the night when hundreds of munchkins poke you in the eye repeatedly, and receive treats as a reward. Not really sure how that’s fair. Do your doorbell a favor, and answer quickly.
Pillowcases and Sheets
Normally, you live a pretty sheltered life as bedding or linen… you get to stay in bed all day every day.
If you’re a bed sheet, you’re always hugging a bed, you’re super thin and real tight, and whenever you need a comforter, they’re right there in front of you!
[I’m lame.]
If you’re a pillowcase. you are constantly hugging a pillow. Your life is great. When you get too hot, your owner flips you over. Sometimes life can suck, like when your owner decides they need a pillow between their legs, or if they pretend that you’re their girlfriend late at night and practice making out with you in a really obnoxious way- but who does that? [That’s right, I’m looking at you, perv.]
But consider what happens on All Hallow’s Eve- corpses become zombies, bats become vampires, and linens become costumes and candy sacks.
If you’re a bedsheet, you will likely have two large holes cut in your face, so someone can wear your skin and pretend to be a ghost. Afterwards, you’ll be labeled as useless, and tossed aside into the garbage.
If you’re a pillowcase, you’ll be abruptly separated from your squishy friend and suddenly filled to the brim with treats. At first, you might think that sounds awesome, but you are a pillowcase- you cannot digest sweets. Instead, you are forced to carry 15 pounds of candy. Then, when your owner gets bored and weary of your burden, they twist and contort you in interesting ways- perhaps swinging you overhead like a lasso, or slinging you over their back like a sack of potatoes, or dragging you along the pavement like Linus’ blanket.
Afterwards, you will also be unfit to return to your rightful place in bed, because you’re full of Fun Dip. You’ll be thrust into the pantry- where you will be forgotten until February, when your owner discovers you and says something brilliant like, “OMG! I totally forgot about all this Halloween candy! I do this every year LOL!”
Tootsie Rolls
A brief history lesson:
Back in the 1800s, American legislature considered outlawing Halloween because it was demonic. They tried it out for a few years, just like Prohibition, but what they discovered was a stunning lack of negotiation skills in kids ages 10-15. They eventually traced this necessary life-skill deficiency back to a lack of post trick-or-treating bartering, that is, the practice of trading candies with other children your age because it’s awesome. It may seem small now, but tonight, youngsters will trade tootsie rolls and reese’s- tomorrow- investment securities and bonds.
If Reese’s are the dollar bills of the confectionary currency system, tootsie rolls are definitely the pennies. Simply put, no one likes them. Offers to accept tootsie rolls usually sound like:
“Ok I’ll give you 615 tootsie rolls for one fun dip.”
“LOL gross! I hate tootsie rolls- I’d rather eat those gluten free carrots that weird old guy gave us.”
If you’re a tootsie roll, you had your moment back in 1905 when there were no other candy. But now? You’re just a tissue wrapped turd that nobody wants.
Pumpkins
The central ingredient to any Halloween. Pumpkins are to Halloween what Turkeys are to Thanksgiving. For most of the year, you’re useless to the average American family. Right when the leaves change, however, there are patches of you everywhere. (Maybe there aren’t turkey patches per say… but just go with it.)
Life as a pumpkin is exceedingly rough though.
Consider that the first thing someone will do to you is pick you up, and probably drop you because you’re awkwardly shaped. [Not only are you awkwardly shaped, you’re kinda wrinkly and a really nasty shade of orange. You’re basically Snookie.]
Next, they’ll take you home and prepare you for surgery. First, they’ll cut off the top of your head and remove your insides. If they’re into it, maybe they’ll toast some of your insides to keep as a snack later.
After you’re all hallowed [#pun] out, they’ll proceed to carve up your face a-la the Joker. You wanna know how you got those scars? Somebody took a stencil, bought a pumpkin carving kit, and played Rembrandt with your face. After finishing their intricate masterpiece, they’ll ensure the rest of the world can witness their brilliance. They’ll illuminate the fresh holes in your flesh by putting a live flame inside your carcass. Happy Halloween!
image by unknown
