A lot of people are afraid of flying. I understand; a lot of crazy stuff can happen. Amelia Earhart embarked on an airborne voyage once, and she disappeared. (Sincerely apologize to the Earhart family for constantly bringing this up whenever I write about flying or disappearing.)
Alternatively, your plane might just crash land on an uncharted island with polar bears and scary noises. Or maybe there’s a terrorist attack or a water landing or something bizarre like that.
Personally, I’m not afraid for my safety. I think it’s perfectly natural for humans to be suspended in the air a mile above the ground- and am not slightly worried, even the least bit, that if for some reason a wire snaps or a battery goes out or something like that and the plane turbines turn off, we will hurdle towards the ground at 9.8 m/s² in a clumsy free-fall like a hail-mary thrown by Mark Sanchez.
Rather, I am afraid of all the things that come with traveling through the airport. There are approximately 684,927,312 things that can go wrong while going from terminal to terminal, and here’s 10. (In order of possible appearance.)
1. Having problems checking-in.
For whatever reason, purchasing a plane ticket months in advance is ok, but receiving your boarding pass until 24 hours before your flight is impossible. Why? Probably because the airport needs more things that can go wrong at the last minute.
2. Security
Enough said, right? I’m consistently afraid that for whatever reason, they’ll find a suspicious looking object in my suitcase. I’ll then be subjected to a thorough pat down by a man who makes a living off of thorough pat downs, and forced to watch helplessly as they rummage through my carry-on, throwing my underwear and socks everywhere in search for a weapon.
3. Having too many things to carry
I’m not a diva or anything, but I’m already at my maximum limit for luggage with my carry-on and laptop bag. Anything additional becomes a severe annoyance walking in an airport large enough to have its own zip code. A few weeks ago I tried to move through LAX with my suitcase, my laptop bag, a coat in arm, and a 30 pound box. It’s a good thing airports don’t have any high ledges, sharp things, or nooses hanging from the ceiling.
4. Finding out your flight is delayed
I understand that flights get delayed, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But finding out you need to spend a few more hours at the airport is like having your doctor just look around for a few more hours during a colonoscopy.
5. Having to pay for airport food
You were probably running late this morning and didn’t eat, in fear that you’d encounter problems checking-in or be held up at security. Now that you’ve found out your flight’s been delayed, you might as well eat to numb your sadness. Big Mac sounds good. $8.75? Perfect.
6. Being one of the last boarding groups
Boarding group C? Position 16? Area 2? Is this good? Am I going to be one of the last people to board this plane? Because if I am… that means….
7. Having an impossibly difficult time finding a place to put your carry-on
The later you board, the more likely it is that you’ll be subject to glaring looks of disapproval as you play luggage tetris and “Sir, I don’t think it’s going to fit there.”s from the flight attendants. This is probably the most stressful part about flying, and could be easily solved if the airlines would just take all our luggage for free.
8. Sitting next to the chatty passenger with bad breath.
Listen dude, I think it’s great that you’ve never been to California or Chicago or wherever and that you’re visiting your friend or your relative who has a job in something interesting like battery manufacturing and that you yourself personally are against Obamacare and think that there’s a lot of things wrong with the government and wish that airplanes still served peanuts and that as a society we’ve become way too sensitive to people’s needs: like food allergies that could require medical attention- which is difficult to receive a mile from the ground… But I am much more interested in trying to sleep on this plane so the time will go by faster, and also perhaps what you ingested to make your mouth smell the way it does.
9. Realizing you forgot something mid-flight.
Oops. Forgot underwear. Or socks. Or hairspray. Or your phone charger. Or KEVINNNNNN!
10. Landing, getting off the plane, feeling relieved that it’s over, and then realizing you need to do it all again if you want to go home.
