1. Having Small Hands
There’s something extremely emasculating about having small hands. As if difficulties playing sports, opening pickle jars, and texting with one hand weren’t bad enough, having small hands inevitably leads to an awkward first hand-holding experience with your special lady friend.
Nothing kills the romance like having your date swallow up your hand like a softball glove while you guys stroll around the Griffith Observatory. (People still go there on dates, right?)
Symptoms of small hand insecurity include reluctance to offer high fives, frequently hiding your hands in pockets, and greeting new people with a hug instead of offering your mini-mitts for a handshake. At least people will think you’re uncommonly friendly. Just don’t keep your hands in your pockets while trying to gesture for a hug. People will be confused and possibly frightened.
2. Being Scared
Speaking of being frightened, men don’t have permission to be scared. Men are supposed to be strong and brave in the face of anything! This is especially unfair because honestly, spiders freak all of us out. And so do ghosts. And spider ghosts? Forget about it. (If you don’t know what a spider ghost is, you can find a picture of one in the dictionary under “terrifying”.)
Sidenote: that joke was kinda lame, but I’m sure all of us have pulled the ol “in the dictionary under ____” joke before. (e.g There’s a picture of you in the dictionary under “stupid” or something like that). My question is: where are the dictionaries with pictures? Most dictionaries I look at don’t have pictures. I have never imagined dictionaries as picture books. It just seems like a silly comment to make. Did the first person who made a “picture in the dictionary” joke just get a lot of confused looks? I digress.
3. A Lack of Facial Hair
This one hits home for me. I really wish I could grow facial hair. Most days I wake up and rub my face in disappointment.
…that’s it? Whyyyyy is my stubble so unimpressive?
My google search history would reveal an embarrassing quest for foods to increase hair growth, facial hair make-up pens (THEY HAVE THEM FOR EYEBROWS SO WHY NOT BEARDS?!), and whether Rogaine on my face is really “dangerous and NOT recommended by medical professionals”.
(The answers: shrimp and blueberries, no, and yes.)
Would I ever grow a beard if I actually could? No, probably not. Like most Asian men, it would just look like my midsection migrated upwards and settled around my mouth.
Still, the idea of a beard is undeniably manly. I would just like to wake up every morning, rub my face, and say “Wow, if I don’t shave today I’m going to look like a lumberjack!” instead of “hmm… should I shave today? Nahhh shaved last month, we’re good.”
4. Being Called Skinny
Guys hate being called skinny. Girls love it. For girls, skinny is the same as slim, slender, sleek, and other sl words generally meaning “In good physical shape.” For men, skinny is the equivalent of being weak and scrawny. You might think you’re paying a guy a compliment saying, “Wow! You’re so skinny!”
What that guy hears instead is, “Wow! You must have a Macbook Air.”
He knows you’re trying to pay him a compliment, like, “Hey, you’re not fat” but calling a guy skinny is like telling a girl she’s flat-chested. Most guys will steer clear of such a remark, despite the fact “Hey man, you don’t have boobs!” is sort of an affirmation to their male comrades.
If a guy is skinny, there’s probably not a whole lot he can do about it. He could work out, but it takes a significant physical and dietary commitment to put on those extra pounds—and once that routine becomes a little less disciplined, he’ll go right back to his spaghetti-like physique. If you’ve noticed a fellow seems to be swimming in his H&M V-neck, instead try telling him he looks like he’s in good shape, or even that you bet he has a six pack. That will go over much better.
5.
um.
If you can’t get number 5, bless your innocent heart.
image by grathio
