1. Do not ever say, “I have never tried _____________” to someone in college.
This includes keg stands, beer bongs, shotgunning a beer, weed, shrooms, ecstasy, shots of 151, Four Lokos pre-Four-Lokos-was-discovered-to-have-a-lethal-combination-of-caffeine-and-alcohol, Irish Car bombs, Sake Bombs, Soju Bombs (any bomb, really), Four Lokos post-Four-Lokos-was-discovered-to-have-a-lethal-combination-of-caffeine-and-alcohol, etc. etc.
This is not to say that you should never do any of these things (that is on your own discretion), but saying that phrase will provoke whomever you told to react with:
“WHAT?! You never tried ____________?!”
And in your mind you’re like: “Uhhh, did I stutter, BITCH?”
But in real life you’re like: *blush* “I, uhhh…” *begin perspiring*
“DUDE, NO, DUUUUDE! NEXT TIME! NEXT TIME YOU’RE DOING _________ WITH ME! I AM SO POPPING YOUR _________ CHERRY! YOU’RE GONNA SOOO LOVE IT!”
You’re gonna so hate it.
2. Do not ever ask, “what’s goooood tonight?” via facebook status.
What is this, really? You have friends. Your friends have numbers. Call them.
Or is this some sort of wishful ploy to attract your secret crush with hopes that they will be casually scrolling down their newsfeed and cross paths with your status, replying with “oh, heyyy babe, just sitting here nude by my lonesome self with some strawberries and whip cream. Could really use a hand right now ;)”
It is excruciatingly painful to see a “what’s goooood tonight?” status posted for hours with zero comments.
Ouch.
Or maybe you will get a response, typically from someone you aren’t very close with and haven’t talked to in two or three years. Are these really the people you want to be hanging out with anyway?
3. Do not ever think you can go to bed and finish your homework by waking up extra early.
Here’s the break down (and we’ve all been here before):
You’ve had a long day and didn’t get much sleep the night before. You’re in the middle of your homework when you catch your head bobbing up and down because you’re beginning to doze off. You look at the clock; it’s 3 AM and your homework is due at 10 AM.
You try to convince yourself that you could sleep now for four hours, wake up at 7, and finish your homework before class. You begin to use silly logic to justify your next move.
“Oh, man, I’m soooo tired. There is no way I can get any work done right now. If I just get that four hours of sleep I’ll be much more energized to complete my homework. Yeah! I’m going to do that!”
Terrible. Move.
Have you not learned by now that the bed is a black hole of all productivity? You are not waking up. Your alarm will go off and you’ll instinctively hit that snooze button without missing a beat of your dream about your secret crush who you one day hope to lure with your “what’s gooood tonight?” status.
The work needs to get done before you go to bed or it won’t get done at all.
4. Do not ever dare take 8 AM classes if you can avoid it.
This sounds like a no brainer for most of us experienced college students, but many people still make the mistake – especially freshmen.
But it is easy for freshmen to be fooled. I know I was. I thought to myself, “Hey, I woke up for school at 7 AM for nearly my entire life, doing it 2 or 3 times a week should be a breeze, right?”
Wrong.
You no longer have your mother stampeding your room to wake you up. Plus, you have all your dorm mates doing all sorts of awesome shenanigans during the wee hours of the morning. You can’t deprive yourself of that!
5. Do not ever, ever… EVER start a successful creative blog while in college.
No one knows the true torment and pain Robert and I go through every day.
Do you want the burden of thousands of fans following your every step? Girls stripping right before your eyes just because? Paparazzi invading your privacy? People calling you things like wunderkind, boy-genius, and the best thing since the introduction of free porn?
It is this persistent intrusion from the public that caused Britney to shave her head, Chappelle to flee to Africa, and Charlie Sheen to… do Charlie Sheen shit. Some people thrive off of fame, like Lady Gaga and Kanye West, but those people were already crazy to begin with.
As for us normal, sane people, we can only take so much before we snap. And I’m one “OMG it’s Michael Lee from dyingread.com! I want him to sign my left boob!” away from really losing it.
